Review of Still Life, Interview with playwright Alexander Dinelaris.

My review of Lucille Lortel Theater's Still Life/interview with playwright Alexander Dinelaris. Here

The Sounds

My review of The Sounds at Roseland Ballroom this September.
here

Summer Concert and CD Reviews

I'm a little sad that summer is already slipping away, I'm already regreting the many outdoor concerts and movies that I missed out on. I think the summer just got off to a slow start due to the rain, and I never got back onto my usual culture vulture track. However, I did manage to review a few shows and (great) albums. Here's a sampling:

My summer music reviews:

CD Reviews:

Starlight Mints/ Change Remains

Diane Birch/Bible Belt

John Vanderslice/Romanian Names

Girl in a Coma/ Trio B.C.

Reviews of River to River Shows:

Connor Oberst and Jenny Lewis at Battery Park, July 4th

Here We Go Magic, July 3rd River to River

Review of Elizabeth and the Catapult show

Elizabeth and the Catapult are one of my favorite Brooklyn based acts. Here is my review for Venus Zine of their recent show at the Williamsburg Hall of Music. Here is the video for ther charming number "Taller Children."



A bit different than what I usually listen to, but I promise that they will have your foot tapping.

Fringe Fest review

I sadly was not too productive with my writing this summer, but here is my review from the Fringe Festival. I reviewed two Harold Pinter one acts:

The Billboard That Has Everyone Pissed Off

The billboard that is pissing everyone off
I first saw this ad in the back pages of Ms. where they print ads they deem to be sexist and demeaning to women. Now the ad has been turned into a giant billboard on Houston in Soho.

Pretty much every feminist website/blog/twitter/ I read is up in arms about it. I mean, it's not the prettiest/least offensive thing I've seen walking down the street, but I've seen much worse. What about all those ad campaigns for vodka brands that would show older men having sex with two women at once, or those ads on the other side of the street on Houston that showed two women flirting with each other and grabbing each other in a homoerotic capacity only to have the series end with them ending up in a sexual situation with a guy. Why didn't people complain about those? Remember those ads with Vincent Gallo and multiple women? There was one right over a subway entrance with him buttoning up his pants while a very young model was kneeling over, reapplying her lipstick, using his belt buckle as a mirror.

In my personal opinion, this ad is maybe a bit too much for a giant ad viewable by all foot and motor traffic, but as a feminist this ad doesn't seem to present any more of an offensive role for a woman than anything else I've seen. In dissecting it, I would note that the female's body is in an active rather than passive role, showing her to be taking a consensual part in the sexual activity rather than being a victim. I would also note the fact that the ad features multiple men, rather than multiple women. Whereas, so many ads be they for vodka, Axe cologne, etc. show one much older man with two or more younger women. The ad also promotes a sense of androgyny and the men all look identical, making them perhaps the same as any expendable unidentifiable female model.



What do you think? Is this more degrading to women than anything else in advertising currently?

Diane Birch review

Venus just posted my Diane Birch review, I wrote it in one evening a good month ago, so I'm afraid to peek at it and see how it turned out. Writing music reviews is such a clumsy process, not like reviewing theater and film where you have some sort of plot and chronological set up to analyze, music is so abstract.

Music Reviews

My recent reviews for Venus (I also have a Joan of Arc review in the print version this month):

Tori Amos

John Vanderslice

When I was 15 I started writing music reviews for a local Minneapolis paper and my life goal was to be a music writer. However, nowadays my interests are more on the other areas of the arts and writing personal essays. I still love music, but it's not my raison d'etre the way it was when I was a high school student.

6/4/09 01:21 am
Went to Tea Lounge after work to get writing done, but wound up just reading my copy of the new Cat Power biography instead, liked reading about her arriving in NYC at the same age as I did and going to all the same bars and venues I went to.

My coworker coincidentally was also there (Brooklyn is a small town) and she sat by me along with some guy she was with, we made plans to celebrate the end of the semester. I was overly exhausted and not excellent social material at all. Walked hone in the pouring rain listening to the Chromatics cover of "Running Up That Hill" a song I associate with long late night summer walks through eerily quiet Brooklyn streets, I felt strangely happy and at peace.

advice?

Two women at work told me they had some very important life advice for me, I said yeah what is it? They said: Make sure you marry rich. Just don't let the guy know you're marrying him for his money. But before you date a guy make sure you find out how much money his family has.


Ugh.

I can't believe anyone is that old fashioned.

weirdos

I woke up at 1 pm today! Crikey! Though I ran into my coworker at the Tea Lounge while I was writing and wound up staying up until 3 am. While I was there this creepy middle aged overweight dude kept trying to talk to me and asked me if he had talked to me on the Q train earlier, and then tried to give me advice about my laptop, and scolded me to be more careful when I was setting down my beer. He was looking at bikini babes on Myspace (you do know that those aren't real people, right?). I just kept ignoring him, and when I was typing something about female ejaculation I saw him looking at my screen so I put my arms over it and said "Excuse me?"
He then said "Oh fine, alright already." And moved down a seat and started talking to some young blonde French girl named Simone. Surprisingly she gave him her phone number, accepted his offer to walk her home, and left with him. I was shocked, don't they have creepy men in France? Why would someone in NYC do that? This is a big city, you can't trust strangers.
If you're going to risk your safety as a woman the guy could at least be devastatingly handsome, and terribly charming to the point where your rational sense gets momentarily turned off, not some middle aged, grey haired shlub. If I hear of any girls named Simone that went missing in Park Slope I'll be sure and tip the authorities off about the guy.

our very public lives

So weird. I'm sitting in the tea lounge fixing my resume, and maybe like an hour ago I wrote a twitter about how a woman with a shaved head in the cafe had a tattoo of the world on her head.

Then some guy comes and sits by me and is clicking away on his laptop. He says "Excuse me?" I ignore him, because I always ignore strange men when they try and talk to me. He says it again so I look over at him, he says "Where is the woman with the tattoo of the world on her head?" I say "What?" And then he turns his laptop around to show me the screen and shows me that he's reading my twitter.
FREAKY!
I said, wow, how did you find my twitter?
He says, I searched the phrase 'tea lounge.'
It's still weird that in the dark (the lights are all turned out in here) he could recognize me from my teeny tiny photo in which my bangs are covering half my face.

Amazing.

I guess it's the price I pay for documenting my life online. People are bound to find me.

I hope he doesn't start following me on there.

Twitters.
6/4/09.
* 00:17 I love walking alone in the rain late at night when all the shops are closed and the streets are quiet, "Running Up That Hill" on my ipod. #
* 00:32 whoo, Over 100 people now voluntarily read the self absorbed garbage I post here, amazing. #
* 01:08 now that Anne Hathaway is going to be in Shakespeare in the Park this summer, there's no way I will be able to get tickets, for shame! Lame #
* 01:09 I'd have to camp out with tourists and crazed Devil Wears Prada fans just for a performance that would probably involve being rained on. #
* 01:10 I have zero plans this summer as I was too busy to make any, I am really lame. Need some plans, Now! #
* 10:05 I found out three of my coworkers, through their own admissions, also have anxiety disorders, made me feel better. #
* 10:55 @jhustwit Sure, thanks, send away. #
* 10:56 I had a dream my brother moved to NYC and got into my grad program and everyone acted like he was a genius and I was a worthless moron. #
* 10:58 Kirkus will either pay me 97% of what they owe me within two weeks or 100% within 75 days, I'm tempted to take the 97%. #
* 11:10 I have a whole week of paid vacation next week..impromptu trip somewhere? #
* 14:26 all irritated and annoyed, falling apart. #
* 18:03 @TheUndomestic When I was physically attacked on the subway a man came and helped and told the man to take his hands off me. #
* 18:06 my new peacock feather bag's lining already ripped apart, my laptop screen has a crack in it, why am I so gifted at breaking things? #
* 18:06 I'm gifted at destroying relationships too, I am like Kali. #
* 19:48 there's this woman with a shaved head who hangs out at the tea lounge that has a map of the world tattooed on her head, walking globe, cool. #
* 21:02 so while I was sitting in the tea lounge some guy sitting next to me asked me where the woman with the tattoo was. I said, what? #
* 21:02 Turned out he had found my twitter and recognized me from it, how weird and random. #

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Gender on Twitter

According tothis men mostly only follow men on twitter and women are also more likely to follow any men. I honestly do not know any men that twitter. The only dudes on my Twitter are Michael Ian Black, Chuck Palahanik, Perez Hilton, and Ben Stiller.
I think the kind of thinking that would persuade someone to twitter is probably more commonly present in women. Same with blogging and personal websites.

I'm not sure what significance analyzing gender on Twitter has anyways.

Twitters

6/4/09 12:05 am

* 08:02 @jhustwit I know, True Blood is so trashy and sensationalistic, but I get totally sucked it, it's quite addictive. Much better than Twilight #
* 08:37 @duckydoo Bon Anniversaire! #
* 08:48 @jhustwit Strawberry Fields? That's a type of cereal? #
* 08:50 I woke up an hour earlier than I needed to as today was a conversion day at work, I am so exhausted. #
* 14:38 @deeperbeats you wake up rather late. #
* 17:52 I only follow chicks on twitter but study says differently bit.ly/dplnn #

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6/2/09 12:05 am

* 15:34 I only woke up now, though my body has been awake since 5 am. #
* 15:36 Weird, this has been the month of ending relationships, definitely. #
* 18:00 @erikakla Ha, guess I'm not alone in my break up phase, been clashing with girls and boys alike. #
* 18:00 coworkers+star confetti+mini cupcakes with sprinkles=love. #
* 18:01 (photos of the silliness to follow. but of course.) #
* 18:16 je voudrais sortir. #
* 22:29 I bought a new lavender water resistant digital watch tonight, i must always know what time it is down to the seconds, otherwise i'm late. #
* 22:32 I'm watching Brothers and Sisters while I fall asleep, it's not that embarrassing considering that many women I know watch Gossip Girl. #

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Book store trip

Went to the bookstore and bought a ton of birthday cards (cuz I'm that kind of girl), the new Cat Power bio, and a workbook on managing Anxiety. I hope it works. The workbooks on managing Social Anxiety and Shyness seemed a bit irrelevant for my circumstance since exercises involved making yourself do things like go to parties, and I already go to parties and they don't scare me at all. Even if people from reality TV shows laugh at me at them. My anxiety seems to swim between a lot of different labels, I guess I'm not a very consistent person.

Anti feminist twitters are so amusing, especially when I am first waking up. I laughed so hard my belly hurt this morning when I saw one that said this:
"Sotomayor called Obama "Sir" which was a good sign she might not be the kind of rabid feminist men's rights advocates were concerned about"

Hysterical!

I'm sure there are legitimate criticisms out there towards left wingers and towards feminism as well, however most of the people out there writing about them are amusing irrational nut jobs. Hee hee.

I had no idea that as a feminist I am not supposed to call men "Sir", I'll make a note of that one for future reference.

Finishing what you started.

I turned my thesis in for approval last week. It was so close to the deadline I'm not sure if I'll get in and get my degree. It is oh so ridiculous how long it is taking me to finish this thing! Three years for a two year degree? It makes little sense when you consider the fact that I finished my English BA in two years and my journalism BA in one year. I just feel less encouraged at this age in my life Je pense. The language course I registered for to fulfill my requirement also was canceled this past winter leaving me discouraged to work on my thesis when I knew I wasn't going to graduate anyways.


C'est la vie.

busy

I am reviewing the new Tori Amos album as well as John Vanderslice and an album from Diane Birch (she has the right haircut to make it with the hipsters.)

Here is the party I covered last month.


(No more late night parties on weeknights though! Bad idea.)

Why Can't I Hold the Door

Dear Men of New York City (and Minneapolis),
Why do you get angry when I hold open a door for you?
Does it somehow insult your masculinity?




I have noticed for a while now that men do not like it when I hold open doors for them. I don't even think about it, it is just something that I do. If someone behind me has a very large package in their hand, I will hold the door open for them since I know it will be difficult for them to reach the knob. If someone is going out the same door I am entering I will sometimes hold the door open for them. If I am going in the same door as another person behind me I will sometimes hold the door open or give it an extra push so it won't close before they get inside. I do this automatically because I have been trained to be a polite person, and plenty of people (men usually) do this for me. Women always seem grateful and thank me.

Men however, seem to not like this, in fact sometimes it seems to anger them and they will refuse to go through the open door. Which is silly, because not only does it waste their time, it wastes my time. Today I tried to open a door for a man at work because he had been about to exit just as I was entering, so I pulled the door open and stepped aside to let him go first. He just stood there staring at me like I was nuts. So I motioned with my hand for him to go. He finally said, angrily, "After you." If he would have just taken my gesture of politeness it would have saved us both sixty seconds of our lives. Or another time a man behind me walking into the post office was carrying a stack of packages so high it was covering his face, he could barely move, so I went ahead and pulled open the door to hold it for him. He said "No, I will get that for you." And then really strained himself to grab the knob from me and rearrange himself so he would be holding the door open for me, and all his boxes nearly tumbled to the ground. Or sometimes I will hold a door open for a man at a restaurant and he will say "No, I should be holding that open for you!" And they will trade places with me. It seems like men over 35 in particular find this to be weird or possibly offensive to them.

I do things like that without thinking of gender, like they just qualify as being a nice person. I don't think that solely women should have doors held open for them, because men sometimes need a hand as well. I don't understand, it's like some men think I am changing gender roles and treating them like a helpless woman. Really, just accept my door holding and exit please, it will save us both time.

I mean I think the whole "hold open a door for a woman, pull out a chair for a woman, carry bags for a woman, give up my seat on the bus to a woman" chivalrous mindset some men have is a nice gesture, but so unnecessary. I can be appreciative of it occasionally, but it can get to be a bit much. Just because I have a uterus and you don't don't mean I need to sit down while you stand, really only the elderly, pregnant, and injured need such gestures. Why can't polite gestures be for everyone, not just women?

(On a side note, when it comes to things like giving directions to strangers, swiping strangers on to the metro line, giving change, etc. I only do those things to women, probably because it involves social interaction, if a man is asking where a street is, I will ignore him. As a rule, if I ever hear a man trying to get my attention, I walk faster, even if I hear my name being said. Holding open a door is sort of something I just do before I have time to think.)

I twitter like a fiend.

I have finally caught the Twitter bug, though I've had an account for awhile now, I guess it took some friends using it as well for me to find any purpose for it within my daily life. Check it out, my life, in quickies: www.twitter.com/adrienneruth

Facebook Spamming

I seem to be getting these weird messages on Facebook from people who are listed as having gone to the same high school and university as me saying "Oh my god Adrienne! I can't believe I found you! I can't wait to catch up! It's been so long."
And I obviously do not know these people. Is this a new form of spamming? If so, finding people that went to a specific high school and university seems like it wouldn't be time efficient, I don't get it. Either way, they are not getting past the velvet rope on to my friends' list.

My weekend

Friday:
Studied French grammar in LES Whole Foods. Was Planning on doing homework all night but instead went to loft party in Williamsburg with Erin, filled with Parisian artists, I got to practice
my french despite me being drunk and not so adept. Later went dancing at place on Bedford Ave and 1st St, Ate part of an empanada from a guy selling it out of a cooler when Erin's crazy German friend insisted. Slept at Erin's.

Saturday:
Slept at Erin's until 1:30, was kind of hung over so went home and slept until 7.
Met coworker at Moroccan restaurant, even though I was supposed to meet D and Mel.
Coworker gossiped about guys at works and made jokes about them.
Ate too much food and danced with Belly dancer. Ended the dinner smoking hookah and sharing a dessert, actually felt a buzz from the hookah. Had an excuse to wear my flapper dress and feather sequined headband, I don't have enough excuses to dress up. Sat in the open air drinking red martinis. Poor Mel was waiting for me for three hours, we caught up in Dark Room and Max Fish, stupid boys kept asking about my headband.

Sunday:
Went to Economy Candy to buy old fashioned candy for sis's birthday, the obeses shoppers and my dislike for suits dissuaded me from buying anything fun for myself. Ash called, we went to the river bank and I did my homework laying on the grass. She pointed out lots of "fit" guys playing soccer. We drank beer at Schiller's and she later cooerced me into going to a gelato place even though I wanted something with cheese. Finally went and studied more French.

Accomplishments this weekend: Zero.
Must get to work.
I am a sucker for warm weather and social interaction.
Why can't I learn to spend more time alone?

MA woes.

I found some French novels and memoirs at Tea Lounge and realized I could pretty much read all of them straight through. However, I realized today that my language exam material will be using philisophical pieces, not novels or memoirs, meaning it's going to be pretty hard for me to pass it. I mean, Barthes is pretty confusing even in English, you take an essay of his on semiotics in a foreign language and I'll be luck to understand half of it. The only way I will pass is if I manage to magically become fluent in reading French by next week.

I am never going to officially graduate! Urrrgh. It's absurd because I finished all the classes required in December '07 (I took too many classes at once and finished them all in three semesters). It's so ridiculous. I told my friend D and she was like "Don't say never, I mean you know, in ten years you might have it." So lame. I wouldn't care if I had only gone one semester, but like, I did all the coursework plus three extra classes. What a waste.

I have been so stagnant in terms of life progression for like a good five years now, it's so frustrating, why can't I be more ambitious and confident?

A quote from an article on Star Trek (The Next Generation)

"An important feature of our characterization of sex objectification is that the sex object's ability to attract or excite her objective sexuality is the vehicle of her dehumanization. As if it were a feature of her personality that invited her dehumanization." -Lemonchek





I read that today in an article on Star Trek nonetheless. That is how I have always felt when anyone hits on me--dehumanized.

Tuesday I went to the launch party, all of the cheesy wannabe celebrities in the VIP section made me laugh, they were oh so snooty just because they happened to be on some reality TV show. That guy Christian (or whatever his name is) from Project Runway laughed at my outfit, it was like...get over yourself. After all of that I think I need some quiet nights in for a change.

New York Dolls

I'm interviewing the New York Dolls for Venus tomorrow, their new album was messengered over, it should be a good story though my list of questions keeps coming up short. Other than having them on my ipod and playing their album as a college DJ I know very little about them.

Watchmen

I went to see The Watchman on Friday, choosing a cinema trip, over the requisite night spent drinking in the LES. Because I read the book, I appreciated the book's close adherence to the text, I also thought they improved the ending and made it more believable, emphasizing the similarity between the work and 9/11 (though it was written well before the tragedy.)

It went on a bit too long though--the movie started at 11:50 and ended at 3:00 am, people kept getting up and leaving the theater. I nearly fell asleep but I made it until the very end. The changed ending seemed to have a great similarity to the Dark Knight flick.

New Writing Assignments in a Bleak Economy

I have been in a bit of hibernation in terms of my writing work, not to mention the fact that our scary economy has lead to newspapers folding and art sections being slashed down, even doing free work is a rarity for some nowadays. I guess that's what I get for doing my career planning in the nineties when journalism was a realistic career path for the most part.

I had a review of Here Art's The Thirst in last week's issue of The Villager. I also am going to a launch party tomorrow night at the new Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Annex for a new jewelry line/record release from Semi Precious Weapons, I'm writing it up for Venus Zine.

Magazine Work

I recently uploaded my pieces in Venus Zine and some of my reviews for Bust Magazine as they are not available online. You can view the following:

Venus Zine Spring 09

Mary Gaitskill Interview

Vivian Girls Interview

Bust Magazine

June/July '08

August/September '08

October/November '08

February/March '09

Oscar Party

Sunday night C and I went to an Oscar party at the Greenhouse in Soho. We both got glammed up, putting on red lipstick and black dresses. I wore my sequined ostrich feather headband, which I really don't find enough excuses to wear. There was a two hour open bar and freebie gifts.

While we had fun, the show itself seemed a little dull, though perhaps it was the din of the overflowing room we were seated in. I found it strange that for the awards this year they opted out of video clips for best actor/actress and best supporting actor/actress instead opting for a showering of compliments from prior winners, I like the clips. Hugh Jackman also seemed like an odd choice.

We were seated next to a middle aged woman who seemed very out of context with the rest of the youngish crowd, wearing glasses and a baggie winter coat, eating saltines out of shopping bag along with her free drinks. She then circulated the tables snatching up the left over freebies from tables that hadn't bothered to put theirs away, moving through the crowd even to just snatch up free green pens. C and I both said that perhaps we will be like that in twenty years time.

Afterwards we dashed through the cold to the Waverly Restaurant where gobbled down burgers beneath headshots of 80's hasbeens.

New Pieces

My interviews with Mary Gaitskill and The Vivian Girls are in the newest issue of Venus Zine (with Evan Rachel Woods on the cover). I think my Gaitskill interview came out a little fluffy for my taste, but I still am psyched to see it in print.

I have a review in the new issue of Bust as well (Amber Tamblyn is on the cover).

new gig, rejection is just part of the career....

I got a new freelancing gig writing about art in Brooklyn. I was too afraid to open the letter but my friend D was like "Adrienne, you're a writer, rejection is something you're just going to have to learn to start accepting, don't be so afraid of it."

I like people who I can be a little messy around.

low carb, not good for the mood...

For the past four years I have been on a low carb diet, and while I lost weight, I often had bouts of depression and anxiety. Now that I've been giving into the occasional whole grain carbohydrate I feel a lot happier and balanced. I'd rather be a size 9 and happy than a size 5 and depressed. it makes sense since Carbohydrates raise your serotonin levels.

This is not my problem

Today I was a bit proud of myself for not behaving the way I normally would. My favorite coffee shop was mysteriously closed this afternoon so I walked to the Connecticut Muffin next door. I sat down in the only open seat and then looked over and noticed that sitting next to me was this guy who had hit on me the week before and given me his phone number in the other coffee shop (I don't think I need to tell you that I did not call him.)He had remembered seeing me at school apparently and had talked to me for a really long time and he actually seemed like a nice, smart person so I felt bad for not calling him. It made me feel really uncomfortable to be in such close proximity to him, but then thought, why should I let some man make me feel uncomfortable or prevent me from sitting down when I need a seat? I didn't hit on him so it's not my problem. Why should a man being physically attracted to me be something to make me feel bad or make me change my seat? So I just kept sitting there and pretended I had no idea who he was and just didn't look in his direction. In the past I would have went somewhere else and gotten really self concious.

Saturday...

1/26/09 05:27 pmI went to a 1920s themed birthday party in midtown on Saturday. I drank lots of wine and hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and fell asleep while waiting at the 34th street stop. Then I woke up, got on the F train, fell asleep again, and woke up at the last stop on the A train (the train turns into the A train if you don't get off and transfer.) I looked and my Zen player was gone, even though I have dozed off on the train plenty of times it's the first time someone swiped something off me. Why didn't they steal my credit cards too? Or cash? Probably the player was easier to grab.

The party was fun. A's friend James and I hung out in the corner drinking too much and made fun of this annoying man in a black turtle neck who shouted at James and then later tried to pee in the bathroom while A was still inside saying "pretend I'm just your big brother." I told James he seems like an uptight prick who is secretly an S and M enthusiast. James said, yes he would definetely be the less dominant one, he likes girls to walk on him in high heels. I said girls? No way he likes being demeaned by big burly muscled men. Some girl from Taiwan asked us what we were laughing about and I told her, I'm laughing at that douche bag in the turtle neck. Because she is foreign she was a bit slow to catch on and made it obvious who we were laughing at. So the man walked up to me and started yelling at me demanding to know what I was saying about him, telling me I was being rude. So I just lied and told him that she wanted to know how to say clothing articles in English and I had been telling her how to say turtle neck, and that we were talking about all the men in the room, not just him. He finally just said oh...okay...and walked away, while people looked at him in disbelief.

school.. when will I finally have my MA degree???

I am in a panic about school. It's complicated and dull but here's the gist of it: I finished everything for my degree this past winter, except for the language requirement. This however was only because you are required to take the course at another school and the school canceled my course section. I also registered for a course at my school and then dropped it the day before the first day of school so I could get a letter saying I was a fulltime student so I could register for the language course at a discounted rate. My school, unbeknownst to me charged me a 25% late fee for the dropped course resulting in a hefty bill I never paid off. My dad gave me a $800 check as a Christmas present to pay for school, but it's not enough. I can only either pay off the tuition bill from last semester or I can pay for the language course, not both. I am debating sprinting over to the bank and canceling the check I wrote out for the language course.

I could try taking out a loan, but I don't qualify since I don't have any classes left to take. I could wait until Spring and take the translation test in French but my french...n'est pas bien.

My best friend told me to drop out and go back to school in a year. But it seems so silly when I only have one no credit class left to take. I'm so annoyed..I just want my MA so I can get my pay raise and spend my cerebral power on something better.

bar life.

1/24/09 04:49 am - bars in new yorkI am waiting for bathroom at the Skinny bar and two men exit at once from a one room bathroom.

Man #1: Hey sorry about that beautiful!

Man#2: We're not gay.

Me: (Laughing)

Man #2: No really. Not. Gay. At. All.

He's Just Not That Into You..Or Yet Another Way to Ruin a Woman's Self Esteem

Sometimes I want to start a workshop for women where I teach them to have some self esteem, especially towards men. I really can't believe the things I hear women say sometimes. If I taught junior high girls, or if I had a daughter/s (god forbid) I would want them to not let men turn them into spineless, insecure blobs. (Like those New York high school girls you always see cutting class during the day to make out with boys on the train...if that were my daughter I would say "Honey, if you're going to ruin your life could you please not do it for a boy?")

Even my friends whose ambition and confidence by far surpass mine turn into these obsessive, insecure puppets if there's a man around, and then will call me crying for an hour just because a guy doesn't like them. I mean, I feel bad, but why does nothing else in your life warrant such a response?

This is sort of why I really get annoyed with the book and subsequent movie titled He's Just Not That Into You. The Sex and the City episode was funny, but the book was just a how to manual on destroying a woman's self esteem and any sense of empowerment in terms of heterosexual dating.
I mean, I once knew a woman who went on an internet date with some guy and when he never called her again proceeded to call him like ten times afterwards, thinking maybe he was in a plane crash or something. In such a scenario, yes, she needed to be told that a guy wasn't into her. But other than that, humans send mixed signals all the time. Maybe I'm wrong, as my knowledge about heterosexual dating is entirely second hand, but I'm pretty sure men will send out mixed signals if they're not sure you like them. Most sane people are not going to knock you over the head with attention calling you every five seconds. If someone is into you, and you ignore them, they're going to pull back.




I really can't stand how women are taught to be so damn passive, just waiting for a man to come along like getting struck by lightening, god forbid they ever try making the first move.
I really laugh when I read magazines like Cosmo that teach you to be completely passive in relationships and rather than saying things explicitly you ought to play games. For example, while browsing my friends issue I read the following advice:
If you want a man to ask him to marry you, cook him asparagus and potatoes.
If you want a man you are just friends to consider dating you should give him mexican food followed by ice cream, because the food will make him think you have a firey, passionate personality, and the ice cream will make him think of your mouth (or something like that, it's the issue with Lauren Conrad on the cover.)
I was just like yes, heaven forbid you actually try talking to someone you're in a relationship with about the prospect of marriage, just cook him food and try sending him subliminal signals.

Honestly, I think men are the ones who need to be told to scale things back. So many men seem to have the idea that persistence is the way to get a girl to like you, and if she says no, you need to just keep trying until she caves in. It's happened to me a few times where some guy will get my number, either through a friend or because they happen to share a mutual friend and I don't want to come off as rude, and I won't answer their voicemails or texts, but they will keep calling and texting as if perhaps I was temporarily blind and deaf, or lost my cell phone for an entire month. I want to say, hello, get the message, I don't like you. If there are women out there who happen to have the guts to be a little forward now and then, (I mean, within the boundaries of being reasonable) then I say good for them. They don't need a book and movie telling them men don't like them after all.

I might see the movie though, just because I happen to like Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Justin Long. But honestly, seeing Barrymore blubbering in the previews about getting rejected wasn't a pretty picture

The Wrestler and Miss D.

1/20/09 09:46 pmI saw the Wrestler on Monday, it was good, but not as good as all the hype. I sat in the third row, which was too close to screen, so I sort of felt all the blood and punches and body slams and it made me squirm. Marisa Tomei was fantastic in it.

Though, in terms of movies of the year, I think Rachel Getting Married and Revolutionary Road were by far the best.


Monday I called D and we talked on the phone for three hours, three. I can't remember talking to anyone on the phone that much ever. We had hung out all night the night before too, I like it when I meet people who can actually carry a conversation. She said she likes talking to me because I'm the only person she knows who has sensible advice about men.
She said "It's like everyone else says 'oh it's okay he has a girlfriend he might leave her and it will turn into something serious.' but you you're like 'no, he's a douchebag, stop talking to him.'" She's been my friend since my first year of grad school. Talking to her is like group therapy.

wisdom in a drought

I think for once I actually heard a friend of mine say something wise and intelligent about sex and dating (not that they aren't intelligent or wise). Or rather, I should say, for once I heard a New York woman say something wise and intelligent about dating and sex, it seems like everything I hear just sounds depressing and self damaging. I saw my friend d. last night and talked to her on the phone yesterday for a good half hour. She says everyone keeps goading her that she is going to "meet the one" and "fall in love" and get married. She told me that one of her friends was telling her this, telling her that very soon she will meet the one and fall in love because it happens to everyone.
So she said to them, I don't think every person falls in love, not everyone is meant to be in a long term relationship. I really don't think it's going to happen for me. I've been single all of my adult life, other than a silly three month relationship when I was 20. She said, I'm okay with being alone and not planning on that ever happening, and other people should just accept that. She also feels that she has sex with people too soon and often with people who are bad for her, so she is going to go for three months without sex, that's her new year's resolution.
She said "I don't know, do you think I can do it?"
I said, I think you've gone much longer without having sex before

Centering Myself

On Mondays I am going to start going to meditation with my friend M, I really want to center myself and let go of my hangups. Maybe this will help. Though sometimes being in those states can be scary, at the end of college, I took a body therapies class where you release your inner energy and I started to get teary eyed while sitting there and my whole body wanted to cry and I had to really hold back to not start sobbing in class, which was weird because I haven't cried once since high school. I really never cry or get terribly upset and I don't like that to suddenly change.

I also discovered my place of employment has a free gym, I made plans with two girls I work with for us to work out together every Wednesday. I always feel more happy when I physically exert myself.

thursday. old friends made new.

I had drinks and dinner with my friend S last night whom I had not spoken to in awhile. I actually got back in touch with her when I did some sort of emailing blizzard to every person I was out of touch with that I wanted to get back in touch with. It's kind of sad how people drift in and out of your life so quickly in NYC. I totally forgot why it was we became friends in the first place: she has an anxiety disorder quite similar to mine and doesn't date men despite the insistence of her family.
She told me about how this guy she had a weird friendship with emailed her and how she had a panic attack over it, or how sometimes she avoids phone calls and it was like, ah yes, there are other people like me out there in the world.

Despite going to bed Wednesday night at like 5:00am, I managed to get up and make an 11:00am interview. I was however tired and dehydrated but the interviewee said I had a lot of impressive experience.

Last night I did my writing at the Tea Lounge where they had movie night, the movie turned out to be Terminator 3, and since I went to bed as soon as I got home I had a terrible nightmare that the world was quickly dissolving and I had to drive to the few parts of the earth that were still intact. Which is weird, because I saw all kinds of scary movies when I was a kid and never had nightmares.

Yipes!

At work a guy was talking to me about an Irish bar in the LES we both frequent, he told me they had the most amazing food, and then he asked if I'd eaten there.

Me: Well, just a salad.
Boy: Wait, are you like vegan?
Me: No.
Boy: Oh thank god.
Boy sitting next to him: Yeah, it's already bad enough you're a leftie liberal and a feminist.

the problem with having lots of friends is....

I have realized...maintaining friendships takes a lot of work. (Especially in New York.) Sometimes it's quite exhausting.

neediness

At work yesterday the guys were talking about the lack of communication in relationships and girls being overly needy and emotional, I tried to argue that I knew men who could be needy and/or the one screwed over in relationships. This ended with one guy saying that Americans have shitty relationships because they lack communication skills and the other saying that women are far too needy in general in relationships.

One of the guys walked over to me and said "Yeah Adrienne, stop being so needy," and patted me on the head.
I turned around and said, "Do I really seem overly needy?" And raised my eyebrow at him.
He stopped and said "Actually...well..I don't know because you're not in a relationship, or maybe you're in a secret relationship we don't know about. But you seem like you would maybe need to be needy but you wouldn't ever let yourself be. Like you would very closed off and cold and never talk about anything because you wouldn't want to be vulnerable. Like you might be very hurt or angry, but you wouldn't show it, you would just bottle it all up and disappear for long periods of time."

I said, "Alright, that sounds much better to me."

I guess that was semi-accurate for someone who doesn't know me personally, I would hate to think that I come off as an emotionally needy person. Really, D is the only person I show my neurotic, insecure side to. But she's shown me the same ten fold, we're like in our own group therapy