new gig, rejection is just part of the career....

I got a new freelancing gig writing about art in Brooklyn. I was too afraid to open the letter but my friend D was like "Adrienne, you're a writer, rejection is something you're just going to have to learn to start accepting, don't be so afraid of it."

I like people who I can be a little messy around.

low carb, not good for the mood...

For the past four years I have been on a low carb diet, and while I lost weight, I often had bouts of depression and anxiety. Now that I've been giving into the occasional whole grain carbohydrate I feel a lot happier and balanced. I'd rather be a size 9 and happy than a size 5 and depressed. it makes sense since Carbohydrates raise your serotonin levels.

This is not my problem

Today I was a bit proud of myself for not behaving the way I normally would. My favorite coffee shop was mysteriously closed this afternoon so I walked to the Connecticut Muffin next door. I sat down in the only open seat and then looked over and noticed that sitting next to me was this guy who had hit on me the week before and given me his phone number in the other coffee shop (I don't think I need to tell you that I did not call him.)He had remembered seeing me at school apparently and had talked to me for a really long time and he actually seemed like a nice, smart person so I felt bad for not calling him. It made me feel really uncomfortable to be in such close proximity to him, but then thought, why should I let some man make me feel uncomfortable or prevent me from sitting down when I need a seat? I didn't hit on him so it's not my problem. Why should a man being physically attracted to me be something to make me feel bad or make me change my seat? So I just kept sitting there and pretended I had no idea who he was and just didn't look in his direction. In the past I would have went somewhere else and gotten really self concious.

Saturday...

1/26/09 05:27 pmI went to a 1920s themed birthday party in midtown on Saturday. I drank lots of wine and hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and fell asleep while waiting at the 34th street stop. Then I woke up, got on the F train, fell asleep again, and woke up at the last stop on the A train (the train turns into the A train if you don't get off and transfer.) I looked and my Zen player was gone, even though I have dozed off on the train plenty of times it's the first time someone swiped something off me. Why didn't they steal my credit cards too? Or cash? Probably the player was easier to grab.

The party was fun. A's friend James and I hung out in the corner drinking too much and made fun of this annoying man in a black turtle neck who shouted at James and then later tried to pee in the bathroom while A was still inside saying "pretend I'm just your big brother." I told James he seems like an uptight prick who is secretly an S and M enthusiast. James said, yes he would definetely be the less dominant one, he likes girls to walk on him in high heels. I said girls? No way he likes being demeaned by big burly muscled men. Some girl from Taiwan asked us what we were laughing about and I told her, I'm laughing at that douche bag in the turtle neck. Because she is foreign she was a bit slow to catch on and made it obvious who we were laughing at. So the man walked up to me and started yelling at me demanding to know what I was saying about him, telling me I was being rude. So I just lied and told him that she wanted to know how to say clothing articles in English and I had been telling her how to say turtle neck, and that we were talking about all the men in the room, not just him. He finally just said oh...okay...and walked away, while people looked at him in disbelief.

school.. when will I finally have my MA degree???

I am in a panic about school. It's complicated and dull but here's the gist of it: I finished everything for my degree this past winter, except for the language requirement. This however was only because you are required to take the course at another school and the school canceled my course section. I also registered for a course at my school and then dropped it the day before the first day of school so I could get a letter saying I was a fulltime student so I could register for the language course at a discounted rate. My school, unbeknownst to me charged me a 25% late fee for the dropped course resulting in a hefty bill I never paid off. My dad gave me a $800 check as a Christmas present to pay for school, but it's not enough. I can only either pay off the tuition bill from last semester or I can pay for the language course, not both. I am debating sprinting over to the bank and canceling the check I wrote out for the language course.

I could try taking out a loan, but I don't qualify since I don't have any classes left to take. I could wait until Spring and take the translation test in French but my french...n'est pas bien.

My best friend told me to drop out and go back to school in a year. But it seems so silly when I only have one no credit class left to take. I'm so annoyed..I just want my MA so I can get my pay raise and spend my cerebral power on something better.

bar life.

1/24/09 04:49 am - bars in new yorkI am waiting for bathroom at the Skinny bar and two men exit at once from a one room bathroom.

Man #1: Hey sorry about that beautiful!

Man#2: We're not gay.

Me: (Laughing)

Man #2: No really. Not. Gay. At. All.

He's Just Not That Into You..Or Yet Another Way to Ruin a Woman's Self Esteem

Sometimes I want to start a workshop for women where I teach them to have some self esteem, especially towards men. I really can't believe the things I hear women say sometimes. If I taught junior high girls, or if I had a daughter/s (god forbid) I would want them to not let men turn them into spineless, insecure blobs. (Like those New York high school girls you always see cutting class during the day to make out with boys on the train...if that were my daughter I would say "Honey, if you're going to ruin your life could you please not do it for a boy?")

Even my friends whose ambition and confidence by far surpass mine turn into these obsessive, insecure puppets if there's a man around, and then will call me crying for an hour just because a guy doesn't like them. I mean, I feel bad, but why does nothing else in your life warrant such a response?

This is sort of why I really get annoyed with the book and subsequent movie titled He's Just Not That Into You. The Sex and the City episode was funny, but the book was just a how to manual on destroying a woman's self esteem and any sense of empowerment in terms of heterosexual dating.
I mean, I once knew a woman who went on an internet date with some guy and when he never called her again proceeded to call him like ten times afterwards, thinking maybe he was in a plane crash or something. In such a scenario, yes, she needed to be told that a guy wasn't into her. But other than that, humans send mixed signals all the time. Maybe I'm wrong, as my knowledge about heterosexual dating is entirely second hand, but I'm pretty sure men will send out mixed signals if they're not sure you like them. Most sane people are not going to knock you over the head with attention calling you every five seconds. If someone is into you, and you ignore them, they're going to pull back.




I really can't stand how women are taught to be so damn passive, just waiting for a man to come along like getting struck by lightening, god forbid they ever try making the first move.
I really laugh when I read magazines like Cosmo that teach you to be completely passive in relationships and rather than saying things explicitly you ought to play games. For example, while browsing my friends issue I read the following advice:
If you want a man to ask him to marry you, cook him asparagus and potatoes.
If you want a man you are just friends to consider dating you should give him mexican food followed by ice cream, because the food will make him think you have a firey, passionate personality, and the ice cream will make him think of your mouth (or something like that, it's the issue with Lauren Conrad on the cover.)
I was just like yes, heaven forbid you actually try talking to someone you're in a relationship with about the prospect of marriage, just cook him food and try sending him subliminal signals.

Honestly, I think men are the ones who need to be told to scale things back. So many men seem to have the idea that persistence is the way to get a girl to like you, and if she says no, you need to just keep trying until she caves in. It's happened to me a few times where some guy will get my number, either through a friend or because they happen to share a mutual friend and I don't want to come off as rude, and I won't answer their voicemails or texts, but they will keep calling and texting as if perhaps I was temporarily blind and deaf, or lost my cell phone for an entire month. I want to say, hello, get the message, I don't like you. If there are women out there who happen to have the guts to be a little forward now and then, (I mean, within the boundaries of being reasonable) then I say good for them. They don't need a book and movie telling them men don't like them after all.

I might see the movie though, just because I happen to like Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Justin Long. But honestly, seeing Barrymore blubbering in the previews about getting rejected wasn't a pretty picture

The Wrestler and Miss D.

1/20/09 09:46 pmI saw the Wrestler on Monday, it was good, but not as good as all the hype. I sat in the third row, which was too close to screen, so I sort of felt all the blood and punches and body slams and it made me squirm. Marisa Tomei was fantastic in it.

Though, in terms of movies of the year, I think Rachel Getting Married and Revolutionary Road were by far the best.


Monday I called D and we talked on the phone for three hours, three. I can't remember talking to anyone on the phone that much ever. We had hung out all night the night before too, I like it when I meet people who can actually carry a conversation. She said she likes talking to me because I'm the only person she knows who has sensible advice about men.
She said "It's like everyone else says 'oh it's okay he has a girlfriend he might leave her and it will turn into something serious.' but you you're like 'no, he's a douchebag, stop talking to him.'" She's been my friend since my first year of grad school. Talking to her is like group therapy.

wisdom in a drought

I think for once I actually heard a friend of mine say something wise and intelligent about sex and dating (not that they aren't intelligent or wise). Or rather, I should say, for once I heard a New York woman say something wise and intelligent about dating and sex, it seems like everything I hear just sounds depressing and self damaging. I saw my friend d. last night and talked to her on the phone yesterday for a good half hour. She says everyone keeps goading her that she is going to "meet the one" and "fall in love" and get married. She told me that one of her friends was telling her this, telling her that very soon she will meet the one and fall in love because it happens to everyone.
So she said to them, I don't think every person falls in love, not everyone is meant to be in a long term relationship. I really don't think it's going to happen for me. I've been single all of my adult life, other than a silly three month relationship when I was 20. She said, I'm okay with being alone and not planning on that ever happening, and other people should just accept that. She also feels that she has sex with people too soon and often with people who are bad for her, so she is going to go for three months without sex, that's her new year's resolution.
She said "I don't know, do you think I can do it?"
I said, I think you've gone much longer without having sex before

Centering Myself

On Mondays I am going to start going to meditation with my friend M, I really want to center myself and let go of my hangups. Maybe this will help. Though sometimes being in those states can be scary, at the end of college, I took a body therapies class where you release your inner energy and I started to get teary eyed while sitting there and my whole body wanted to cry and I had to really hold back to not start sobbing in class, which was weird because I haven't cried once since high school. I really never cry or get terribly upset and I don't like that to suddenly change.

I also discovered my place of employment has a free gym, I made plans with two girls I work with for us to work out together every Wednesday. I always feel more happy when I physically exert myself.

thursday. old friends made new.

I had drinks and dinner with my friend S last night whom I had not spoken to in awhile. I actually got back in touch with her when I did some sort of emailing blizzard to every person I was out of touch with that I wanted to get back in touch with. It's kind of sad how people drift in and out of your life so quickly in NYC. I totally forgot why it was we became friends in the first place: she has an anxiety disorder quite similar to mine and doesn't date men despite the insistence of her family.
She told me about how this guy she had a weird friendship with emailed her and how she had a panic attack over it, or how sometimes she avoids phone calls and it was like, ah yes, there are other people like me out there in the world.

Despite going to bed Wednesday night at like 5:00am, I managed to get up and make an 11:00am interview. I was however tired and dehydrated but the interviewee said I had a lot of impressive experience.

Last night I did my writing at the Tea Lounge where they had movie night, the movie turned out to be Terminator 3, and since I went to bed as soon as I got home I had a terrible nightmare that the world was quickly dissolving and I had to drive to the few parts of the earth that were still intact. Which is weird, because I saw all kinds of scary movies when I was a kid and never had nightmares.

Yipes!

At work a guy was talking to me about an Irish bar in the LES we both frequent, he told me they had the most amazing food, and then he asked if I'd eaten there.

Me: Well, just a salad.
Boy: Wait, are you like vegan?
Me: No.
Boy: Oh thank god.
Boy sitting next to him: Yeah, it's already bad enough you're a leftie liberal and a feminist.

the problem with having lots of friends is....

I have realized...maintaining friendships takes a lot of work. (Especially in New York.) Sometimes it's quite exhausting.

neediness

At work yesterday the guys were talking about the lack of communication in relationships and girls being overly needy and emotional, I tried to argue that I knew men who could be needy and/or the one screwed over in relationships. This ended with one guy saying that Americans have shitty relationships because they lack communication skills and the other saying that women are far too needy in general in relationships.

One of the guys walked over to me and said "Yeah Adrienne, stop being so needy," and patted me on the head.
I turned around and said, "Do I really seem overly needy?" And raised my eyebrow at him.
He stopped and said "Actually...well..I don't know because you're not in a relationship, or maybe you're in a secret relationship we don't know about. But you seem like you would maybe need to be needy but you wouldn't ever let yourself be. Like you would very closed off and cold and never talk about anything because you wouldn't want to be vulnerable. Like you might be very hurt or angry, but you wouldn't show it, you would just bottle it all up and disappear for long periods of time."

I said, "Alright, that sounds much better to me."

I guess that was semi-accurate for someone who doesn't know me personally, I would hate to think that I come off as an emotionally needy person. Really, D is the only person I show my neurotic, insecure side to. But she's shown me the same ten fold, we're like in our own group therapy