wisdom in a drought

I think for once I actually heard a friend of mine say something wise and intelligent about sex and dating (not that they aren't intelligent or wise). Or rather, I should say, for once I heard a New York woman say something wise and intelligent about dating and sex, it seems like everything I hear just sounds depressing and self damaging. I saw my friend d. last night and talked to her on the phone yesterday for a good half hour. She says everyone keeps goading her that she is going to "meet the one" and "fall in love" and get married. She told me that one of her friends was telling her this, telling her that very soon she will meet the one and fall in love because it happens to everyone.
So she said to them, I don't think every person falls in love, not everyone is meant to be in a long term relationship. I really don't think it's going to happen for me. I've been single all of my adult life, other than a silly three month relationship when I was 20. She said, I'm okay with being alone and not planning on that ever happening, and other people should just accept that. She also feels that she has sex with people too soon and often with people who are bad for her, so she is going to go for three months without sex, that's her new year's resolution.
She said "I don't know, do you think I can do it?"
I said, I think you've gone much longer without having sex before

Centering Myself

On Mondays I am going to start going to meditation with my friend M, I really want to center myself and let go of my hangups. Maybe this will help. Though sometimes being in those states can be scary, at the end of college, I took a body therapies class where you release your inner energy and I started to get teary eyed while sitting there and my whole body wanted to cry and I had to really hold back to not start sobbing in class, which was weird because I haven't cried once since high school. I really never cry or get terribly upset and I don't like that to suddenly change.

I also discovered my place of employment has a free gym, I made plans with two girls I work with for us to work out together every Wednesday. I always feel more happy when I physically exert myself.

thursday. old friends made new.

I had drinks and dinner with my friend S last night whom I had not spoken to in awhile. I actually got back in touch with her when I did some sort of emailing blizzard to every person I was out of touch with that I wanted to get back in touch with. It's kind of sad how people drift in and out of your life so quickly in NYC. I totally forgot why it was we became friends in the first place: she has an anxiety disorder quite similar to mine and doesn't date men despite the insistence of her family.
She told me about how this guy she had a weird friendship with emailed her and how she had a panic attack over it, or how sometimes she avoids phone calls and it was like, ah yes, there are other people like me out there in the world.

Despite going to bed Wednesday night at like 5:00am, I managed to get up and make an 11:00am interview. I was however tired and dehydrated but the interviewee said I had a lot of impressive experience.

Last night I did my writing at the Tea Lounge where they had movie night, the movie turned out to be Terminator 3, and since I went to bed as soon as I got home I had a terrible nightmare that the world was quickly dissolving and I had to drive to the few parts of the earth that were still intact. Which is weird, because I saw all kinds of scary movies when I was a kid and never had nightmares.

Yipes!

At work a guy was talking to me about an Irish bar in the LES we both frequent, he told me they had the most amazing food, and then he asked if I'd eaten there.

Me: Well, just a salad.
Boy: Wait, are you like vegan?
Me: No.
Boy: Oh thank god.
Boy sitting next to him: Yeah, it's already bad enough you're a leftie liberal and a feminist.

the problem with having lots of friends is....

I have realized...maintaining friendships takes a lot of work. (Especially in New York.) Sometimes it's quite exhausting.

neediness

At work yesterday the guys were talking about the lack of communication in relationships and girls being overly needy and emotional, I tried to argue that I knew men who could be needy and/or the one screwed over in relationships. This ended with one guy saying that Americans have shitty relationships because they lack communication skills and the other saying that women are far too needy in general in relationships.

One of the guys walked over to me and said "Yeah Adrienne, stop being so needy," and patted me on the head.
I turned around and said, "Do I really seem overly needy?" And raised my eyebrow at him.
He stopped and said "Actually...well..I don't know because you're not in a relationship, or maybe you're in a secret relationship we don't know about. But you seem like you would maybe need to be needy but you wouldn't ever let yourself be. Like you would very closed off and cold and never talk about anything because you wouldn't want to be vulnerable. Like you might be very hurt or angry, but you wouldn't show it, you would just bottle it all up and disappear for long periods of time."

I said, "Alright, that sounds much better to me."

I guess that was semi-accurate for someone who doesn't know me personally, I would hate to think that I come off as an emotionally needy person. Really, D is the only person I show my neurotic, insecure side to. But she's shown me the same ten fold, we're like in our own group therapy